With this realization, I turned around as quickly as I could without crashing into a tree. Speaking of tornadoes, how awesome was the Wizard of Oz? I played with the thought in my mind, tapping my imaginary communicator pin and whispering "Computer. Days later I emerged from my room disheveled, but to my dismay, this college essay made me sound like just a guy who can't get over the fact that he'll never take the Starfleet Academy entrance exam. So, I tossed my essay away without even getting to disintegrate it with a phaser set on stun.
You know, just in case. The meat of the essay is that the two versions of himself that the author thought about portraying each fails in some way to describe the real him. Look at how long and draggy these paragraphs are, especially after that zippy opening. Is it at all interesting to read about how someone else found the process of writing hard?
Not really, because this is a very common experience. Twice in the essay, the author lets someone else tell him what to do. Don't be a passive panda. Be an active antelope. But there is no description of what the author did with either one, nor any explanation of why these were so meaningful to his life. In the rewrite, it would be good to explore what he learned about himself and the world by pursuing these interests.
How did they change him or seen him into the person he is today? In the next essay draft, I would suggest subtly making a point about his other qualities.
Or, after the TREE paragraph, the author could explain why this second essay was no better at capturing him than the first. What was missing? Why is the self in the essay shouting — is it because this version paints him as an overly aggressive activist?
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Now that's a novel intersection of cultural tastes. We can help. PrepScholar Admissions is the world's best admissions consulting service. We combine world-class admissions counselors with our data-driven, proprietary admissions strategies. We've overseen thousands of students get into their top choice schools , from state colleges to the Ivy League.
We know what kinds of students colleges want to admit. We want to get you admitted to your dream schools. Learn more about PrepScholar Admissions to maximize your chance of getting in. I realized that the one thing that this world needed more than anything was compassion; compassion for those less fortunate than us. I expected harsh conditions, but what I encountered was far worse. The conditions of it hit me by surprise; it looked much worse in real life than compared to the what our group leader had told us.
Poverty to me and everyone else I knew was a foreign concept that people hear about on the news or see in documentaries. But this abject poverty was their life, their reality. As all of this realization came at once, I felt overwhelmed by the weight of what was to come.
Would I be able to live in the same conditions as these people? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? It was at that moment that I saw how selfish I had been. How many people suffered like this in the world, while I went about life concerned about nothing at all? Thinking back on the trip, maybe I made a difference, maybe not. But I gained something much more important. I gained the desire to make the world a better place for others. It was in a small, poverty-stricken village in Peru that I finally realized that there was more to life than just being alive.
This is an essay that tries to explain a shift in perspective. There are different ways to structure this overarching idea, but a chronological approach that starts with an earlier opinion, describes a mind changing event, and ends with the transformed point of view is an easy and clear way to lay this potentially complex subject out. Arranging your narrative in order of what happened when is a simple and surefire strategy. Image: User:Lite via Wikimedia Commons.
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It just makes this author sound dismissive of a huge swath of the population. Calling others "less fortunate" when you're a senior in high school has a dehumanizing quality to it. These people who have so little were able to forget their own needs, and put those much more fortunate in front of themselves. Again, this comes across as very patronizing. It may help to imagine you have the compound eyes of an insect. How many different perspectives can you see and describe?
Why were the kids were crying? How many kids? All the kids? One specific really loud kid? Why were their clothes dirty? Did they have Sunday clothes? Traditional clothes they would put on for special occasions? Did they make their own clothes? The rewrite should either make this section more specific and less reliant on cliches, or should discard it altogether.
What did their leader tell them?
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What was different in real life? What was the light like?
What time of day was it? A city center? A marketplace? While you may succeed in this somehow - it may be too clumsy too sound credible and you will probably feel very miserable in the end.
Since such way is really not an option if you want to write really good text - you need to expand your vocabulary. In order to do it - you must read dictionaries as if it was a fiction book.
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